Saturday, July 28, 2012

I'm Me, and that's All I Can Be.

School and socialization has always been a tough thing for me, as well as other things. Kids would make fun of me a lot when I was little, or just ignore me. I am extremely clumsy, and am always stumbling over things. I’m not good at judging distances and measuring things visually. My language and writing skills are high up above my head, yet my math skills pool into a horrible mess at my feet.

I am highly sensitive. I do not like touching those cup holder things from Mc Donald’s. I don’t like eating big chunks of broccoli. If I run into something, it hurts more than it does for the average person.

My hands aren’t that great. When I was young, it took me longer than the other kids to learn cursive and to tie my shoes.

It’s other things, such as being one of the last people out of the classroom trying to get my stuff together. It’s also having trouble picking up on sarcasm sometimes (I have, however, gotten better with this-people around me use it a lot).

The big things and the little things all added up to my life, and something called Non-Verbal Learning Disorder (NLD, or NLVD). Up until last year, I hadn’t even heard of it. It has some similarities to Asperger’s Syndrome, with some differences.

I think one of the most difficult things has to be my social issues. I have a difficult time with eye contact, and I have a hard time understanding body language and tone of voice.

For many years, I had done so many stupid things socially, that I kind of just closed in on myself. I didn’t reach out much because I couldn’t trust myself in situations where I had to interact with people. I would play it as safe as possible. And, at times where I was interacting with others, while they may not have noticed, I was extremely anxious the entire time.

At this point after being diagnosed, I am seeing a counselor who helps me with almost every aspect of my life-such as socialization, organization, staying focused, being confident in myself, and even becoming healthier. She has been such a help to me so far. One of the biggest things I’ve learned from her is that the only way I can get better at things is to just do them.

I have to constantly remind myself that things aren’t as bad as they seem. Then, I have to hold my breath and just jump in-no matter how terrified I am. Sure, you’re going to make mistakes and do stupid things, but you can’t stop living!

For the longest time, I did do that, unfortunately. I became a whisp of dandelion that was just floating along for no good reason. Yet, maybe the floating along was just what I needed for a while. The floating eventually led me to a place where I could plant my roots and grow. The only way to grow is to take risks and learn.

I’m going to make a lot of mistakes. Some people are going to misjudge me. That is just the way it is.

Yet, it’s such a comfort to me to know that God has been there with me every step of the way. I don’t know where I’d be without Him. He has blessed me with an amazing family and friends. He’s given me hope and strength where others can’t. He’s also given me the ability to reach out to others to help them.

While life isn’t easy for me, (or anyone for that matter) it’s important to realize the good that you can do for others from your experiences. It’s my prayer that maybe, just maybe, my words and experience can be an inspiration or help for someone else. That’s what God put us here for-to help others and spread His word.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Post With Poetry

In this post, I decided to share some poetry that I have written. I wrote this for a creative writing class I took earlier this year and added it as part of my portfolio. It is a type of poem called a "villanelle". Let me tell you-it was not an easy type to write. If you look up to see how they're written, you'll see what I mean. However, I love how this one turned out, and I think it's one of the better poems that I have written. And yes, there is a meaning to it. It should be interesting to see if anyone can pinpoint what it's talking about!


The needed stay in, the useless come out.
The needed are afraid, pushed back by pin
Never to come forth, and never to shout.

In their hearts is a constant doubt
Not wanting to shift another, they sin
The needed stay in, the useless come out.

They always go the same route,
Knowing of nothing else, they keep themselves in
Never to come forth, and never to shout.

Every day within is a constant bout
With themselves they fight again and again
The needed stay in, the useless come out.

So often, they face a constant rout
They can never seem to win.
Never to come forth, and never to shout.

Filled to the brim with fear, they walk about
Who see those who know not of the One who is risen
The needed stay in, the useless come out.
Never to come forth, and never to shout.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Fifty Shades of....Ignorance.

So, apparently, the number one best-selling books right now are the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. I haven’t read them, nor am I going to. I’ve heard enough through the media and word of mouth to know what they’re about.

And quite frankly, I’m disturbed.

Basically what it boils down to is a story dealing with a sadomasochistic CEO who hires a naïve girl. And surprise, surprise, they have a lot of sex throughout the books.

At almost every turn, women are swooning over this Christian Grey (the name infuriates me too) left and right. You know what it makes me want to do? Ram my head into a wall; repeatedly. One. Million. Times.
For a society as feminist as this country is, I’m shocked that it’s so popular. Yet, on the other hand, I’m not shocked. This society also often makes absolutely no sense.

It really disturbs me to see women getting so much pleasure out of the blatant disrespect the books give us. WAKE UP! Quit fantasizing about a guy who would make you do demeaning things!

Not to mention, the writing is supposedly terrible. It makes me sad that those books got published when something of greater substance and quality could have been published. Oh well. I guess we see that people sadly prize the controversial and twisted nowadays. Quality doesn’t seem to matter much anymore.

Ignorance is apparently bliss for the fans. As long as they get their instant gratification, nothing else really matters.