I think people are under the impression that self-esteem=being full of one's self. Here's the thing: Self-esteem is one of those very good things that, if taken too far can lead to sin, just like anything else in this world.
One thing that we tend to have as an unspoken rule, however well-intentioned, is that loving oneself is a negative thing. To love oneself means that you aren't putting others first, that you're selfish, etc.
However, I have observed that this idea causes more harm than good.
Here is why Self-Esteem is actually a very biblical concept.
Self-esteem for a Christian is a tool. We have to believe in ourselves and the abilities that God has given us. If we don't believe in them, we become afraid of them, never grow, and we cannot be used for God's glory. Healthy self-esteem for a Christian is believing in your God-given abilities enough to actually use them (as God wants us to do), but also realizing that you are imperfect and that you need to rely on God for the things you can't do. Do what you can with all your might, and with confidence, and let God handle the rest.
Also, it has been shown that time and time again, when someone has a terrible self-concept of themselves, or self-esteem, they tend to get into the worse situations in life. It can lead to unhealthy, toxic, and even abusive relationships.
There is nothing wrong with seeing ourselves with love. In fact, it is a healthy thing to do. Let me use this as an example: if you feel bad about yourself for whatever reason, a loved one does what? They tell you that they love you, and that they good they see in you. Why do we do that for one another? We do this because we want to encourage them and have the hope that maybe they could see themselves more as we do!
Same as with God. All throughout scripture, God speaks through many men about His love for his children, both men and women. Some of the words used to refer to His children are:
-Royal priesthood/royalty (1 Peter 1:29)
-Sons and Daughters (2nd Corinthians 6:18, 1 John 3:1)
-His heirs (Romans 8:17-19)
-Recipients of His blessings (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:32)
-New creations (2 Corinthians 5:17)
-More precious than animals (Matthew 10:29-31)
-His workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)
-Protected and cared for (Romans 8:38-39, Deuteronomy 31:8, Joshua 1:9, Proverbs 18:10)
-A treasure (Exodus 19:5-I know this is referring to the Children of Israel in this instance, but I think it is safe to say, based on the love shown to us through the New Testament from God as well, that He still feels this way about His children)
-Loved by Him (Romans 8:38-39)
-Forgiven (1 John 1:9)
These (as well as others) are ways that God sees us. Based on what is seen here, there is absolutely no doubt of His love for us. I firmly believe that He tells us these things over and over for the same reason that our earthly loved ones do, because He wants us to see ourselves as HE sees us!
We are imperfect beings, yet loved by the incredible, almighty God.
See, healthy self-esteem founded in humility and awe for God's love is how it starts.
When you begin to see yourself more as God sees you, you strive take better care of yourself, and yes make yourself a priority (but not the ultimate priority. Don't misunderstand). People who have horrible self esteem are exactly the types that attract toxic and/or abusive relationships into their lives (romantic or even platonic). I am not saying that it is your fault. You having brokenness (like anyone else) is absolutely no reason for anyone to mistreat you. A person who truly loves God, cares for you, and sees your brokenness is not going to take advantage of you in that way. Remember that. But it is important to be aware of how often people with these issues attract manipulative, narcissistic, and unhealthy individuals over and over again.
When you first bask in God's love, and then in turn, start to love yourself and treat yourself in a way that is more how God and your loved ones treat/see you, the more you can recognize danger signs in other people. When you are with someone who mistreats you, you will be better at recognizing when they are doing it, so that you can deal with it in a healthy way. The problem with low self esteem is that, when you talk to yourself and treat yourself badly, you may not recognize when someone else is mistreating you until it is too late.
This is one method Satan uses and uses a lot. He makes us doubt God's love; the love of our loved ones. He makes us doubt our God-given abilities, and our worth. And when we doubt those things, we retreat into ourselves. We become a empty vessel that cannot be used. These are all lies that he whispers into our ears. Just as it says, he is the father of lies (John 8:44).
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| Satan, quite literally, sits on a throne of lies. |
This is why having a healthy sense of self, and self esteem is so important. It allows us to put up healthy boundaries with other people. Recently, I have been reading through the book Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend (and I highly recommend it, by the way.) One of the biggest things that has stuck with me from this book that if we do not have healthy boundaries in our Christian walk, we can become bitter. God wants us to serve in joy, not allow others to take advantage of us. If we are giving so much to the point of coming resentful, instead of doing things because we want to, we have completely missed the point of generosity and love. We cannot adequately pour our hearts into others if we do not also pour into ourselves.
When we read the verse "Love others as yourself" (Matthew 22:39) I think we often ignore where it says "yourself". Yes, we have to love ourselves. Think about it: he says to love others as we love ourselves. If we think extremely poorly of ourselves, can we truly be what we need to be for other people? A light?
I believe young women, before they ever start dating, need to be taught to be sure of themselves and who they are. They should be raised to take good care of themselves, be taught to love themselves, and see themselves as God does, imperfect yet wholly beautiful. They must be taught that their mind, voice, body, soul, and heart matter and be confident in that fact. They need to realize that they are precious in the sight of God, and that they are daughters of the one true King, members of a heavenly kingdom, heirs of promise. They must be convicted, confident, yet also humbled by this fact. This will bring about healthy self-esteem, and lead to better choices in their life and relationships.
I say this because I have been there. I once dated a man and stayed with him despite the fact that we were toxic and unhealthy for one another. Yet, I was so desperate to be loved and accepted by a man that I stayed with him, believing that I couldn't do any better for myself. My lack of healthy self-esteem back then led to many problems and many sins. Staying with that man by my own choice did more damage to my spiritual life than I realized at the time, and it has taken a while to find myself again.
But, through it, I was taken on a journey that made me stronger and more sure of who I was. I began to see myself in a healthier light, and started to give myself a little more grace for my imperfections, as I know God does. While I will never be perfect, I know I am in a better place than I was before.
So, in this regard, I have to say that healthy self-esteem is a beautiful, God-given and wholesome thing. Please. Go find it, and treat yourself kindly.
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